Absent but Never Gone

Absent but never gone is true about my posts for this blog and trying to make thoughtful lifestyle changes.  The good news is that my sister's surgery went well the bad news is that the minute I got home from Texas my father-in-law was hospitalized and has been in ICU until today.  Honestly, there has been no reason for me not to write except that I was preoccupied.

So in a nutshell, that's why I've been AOL.  And in a nutshell, those of us with eating disorders or dieting dilemmas are going to always live with a cloud over our heads.  I guess that cloud can be good or bad depending on if our bodies are in the season of drought or if they're saturated and content because the sun managed to peek through.  No matter what, even if we're not constantly thinking about what or what not to eat, that little cloud is always there...somewhere.  Does any of this make sense?

Unlike some people, I'm not an emotional eater.  I'm an emotional non-eater.  The fact that emotions contribute to what I eat or don't eat isn't a good thing although my conscious mind is always happy when I'm not hungry. I constantly have to tell myself that food is good. It is not bad.  It is good to eat.  It is bad to not eat.  Bottom line is, I'm still writing.  I'm still trying.  I AM NOT GOING TO DIET.  I am going to eat.  So here's a toast to ....bottom lines.

What's the Key?

Okay. Here's the deal.  I'm in Texas right now because my sister had surgery.  I can't remember what day is what,  but I do remember when my year with this blog started.  I'm not going to announce days of my posts anymore, I'm just going to post.

Something interesting happened yesterday.  I was at the hospital all day and my sister's surgery was much later than it was suppose to be.  I grabbed a broccoli salad for lunch and was suppose to go out to dinner when my nephew came to the hospital. 

Well, our wires got crossed.  My nephew didn't come and there was nothing to eat anywhere in the hospital.  Surprising to me, after a certain point I wasn't hungry.  I had plenty to drink and because there was no food around, I wasn't obsessing.  Maybe the key is to deal with my psychological obsession and not food itself. 

Or maybe the key is to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to obsess.  Or maybe the key is to listen to my body and not my mind.  What IS the key?

Days 19 and 20 - Weekends are Challenging

Writing has been therapeutic for me...not surprising.  Reading the comments that some of you have left has been inspirational and exciting.  Keith is brilliant.  I am saving all his comments because he will have chapters of a book ready for submission.  Even if you haven't signed up to follow this site yet, please take the time to read Keith's comments.  They are far more valuable than anything I have to say.

Weekends are always challenging for me. I'm trying to keep things in perspective because of something Keith said about failures.  Actually, Keith congratulated me on a failure because of the new beginning that comes from that failure.  I'm being brief here, but that's close to the context of his message.  I also think it can be said that a lapse isn't a relapse.  Picking up and plunging ahead is what I do best.

My goal for tomorrow is to eat three meals that are healthy for my mind and soul.  Just tomorrow.  That's all I can think about right now.  One day at a time.

Days 17 and 18 - That's What Friends Are For....

I talked to Joani, my longest and best ever friend friend yesterday.  I knew she read my posts from time to time but didn't know how much she really kept up with what I was saying.  It's interesting and somewhat significant that I had taken time to really pray about my difficulty on Monday or Tuesday.  I prayed and then I forgot I prayed.  What I do remember is the conversation I had with God.  "Please show me why I continually sabotage myself when it comes to eating," I said to Him. " Maybe if it becomes clearer to me I can deal with my issues and stop jinxing myself."

I don't know if you believe in answered prayers or not but I do.  I just never expected it to be answered in the form of Joani.  In a quick phone conversation with Joani yesterday she said several significant things.  First of all she pointed out that Keith is a genius.  I'm going to go back and read all his comments because I agree with her.  Then she talked about the issue my mom had with my body...that I now know was not all bad.  WhatJoani said made sense.  I want her to repeat what she said so I don't take it out of context or misspeak.  Maybe she'll have time to leave a comment. But, my point is this, sometimes the answers to our problems are so close we can't see them.  Joani was the answer to my prayer and I can't wait until this weekend when I can talk to her more.  Keith too.

Days 14, 15, 16 - CRAP!

Well, today is day 16 and basically I ate crap.   On top of that, I feel like crap.  I can't figure out why I keep jinxing myself.  Saturday and Sunday went well and I felt terrific.  What would make me not want to feel like that all the time?  I really don't know.

Putting the right foods into my body makes me feel better.  I'm disgusted with myself but what's new.  Since my eating journey is about truth and awareness I guess I'm still on track.  I told the truth and I am totally aware of why I feel badly today.  Ice cream and potato chips were not my plan for lunch.  I have to admit they did taste good while I was chewing but I would not feel so sluggish right now if I'd had a crunchy apple, some baked chicken, and a fresh green salad.  That was my original plan.

I have an 11-year-old King Charles Spaniel who was just diagnosed as being diabetic.  I didn't even know she was sick until her glucose level came back at 400. In fact, I just assumed she was sleeping a lot because she's getting old.  She's been on insulin for three days now and she's like a puppy again.  I don't want to become diabetic and I know that I can prevent it by the way I live my life. Sluggish is not a word that fits into my vocabulary.  Help me out here!

Days 12 and 13 - Surviving!

Keeping busy seems to help me not think about eating.  I do that a lot.  I think about eating.  Is this normal I ask myself?  I honestly don't know.

I have a hunch that normal eaters eat when they're hungry and they usually don't eat when they're not.  Sure, some planning goes along with eating but I honestly fantasize about sweet stuff.  Fruit is usually the last thing I think about when I'm thinking of sweets.  By this time next year, I want it to be the first.

So let's see.  Yesterday was stressful.  I had to spend a ton of money on the vet for my horse and then I found out that one of my three dogs is diabetic.  Unlike many people who eat when they're upset I don't.  I forget and then suddenly realize I'm hungry at midnight. Mindful is my goal. Being more mindful.

Today was fine.  Even though I was still upset about my animals (that I adore) I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner....well dinner, sort of.  I boiled a head of cauliflower for dinner and ate that.  In the whole scheme of eating, that may not have been enough.  Right now I'm comfortable.  I really hope I don't gobble up the kitchen later on.

I'll let you know how the stove, refrigerator, and any other appliance that is not glued to the floor survives!

Days 9, 10, and 11 - Freud and Me

Have you noticed that writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted?  Maybe that's why I started this blog about eating.  Perhaps way down deep inside me there was a Freudian need to be heard. I almost embarrassed to talk about my eating and or dieting adventures with anyone.  My husband doesn't believe I can stick to anything, much less a lifestyle change...and why should he?  I don't have a very good track record with my eating habits. I set myself up for comments that will upset me if I talk too much around my house about food.  Plus for whatever reason I feel judged.  Feeling judged makes makes me feel heavy. Maybe the heaviness that I feel is one of burden.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I need help!

 I guess I should come really clean with you and let you know that I've delt with an eating disorder for longer than I can remember.  No I'm not anorexic.  If I had to label myself I'd say I have been bullimic.  Yes, I've seen a counselor.  She traced my eating problems back to when my stick-thin mother put me on diet pills at the age of 15.  Looking back at pictures of myself I realize that I was perfect the way I was.  If any of you who are reading this are mothers, please take heed and realize what an effect your comments can have on your daughters.

The past few days I've eaten without making any announcements to my husband.  I've eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner and done okay.  I've been trying to think of carbohydrates as a garnish rather than a food.  Mostly I've been eating fruits, vegetables, and proteins.  Sounds boring but it hasn't been.  I've not been hungry but I've had to fight off the urge to eat late at night.  That's a habit that's going to be hard to break. I'm feeling persistent if nothing else right now.

Enough of the "heavy" stuff!  I've had lots of fun and exercise this week thanks to my grandson, dogs, and horses.  Babysitting for a 5-month-old, walking my dogs, and riding my horses allow me to be active almost constantly without feeling like I'm exercising.  Now that's something I can truly be happy about! Life is good.

Day 8 - Labor Day and Doing Swell!

Albert Einstein said, " Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”
I am sitting here imagining next year at this time.  I see myself glowing with good health and enjoying another Labor Day cook-out with good friends and family. 

It was a glorious day here.  Finally the temperatures dropped and the feeling of autumn in the air made me feel as light as the first leaves falling from the trees that surround the the farm where I board my horse.  It's nice to feel light...even if it's only my imagination  I have a picture in my mind and a goal in my heart.

Holidays are nice.  Not necessarily because of the food but because of the fun and company that goes along with the food.  Imagine that!  I just put fun and company in front of food!

Day 7 - Feeling Better!

Yesterday I felt like a six-day-failure.  Today is a new day.  I read your comments - all of them - and remembered I'm not in this alone.  It helps.  Don't ask me why, but it does.  I've also been looking over some books I have here at home.  EATING MINDFULLY by Susan Albers is great.  So is The 17-Day-Diet.

Even though the word "diet" is part of the title of the book, it's a healthy way of eating and a good reminder for me.  Why?  Because I feel terrific when I eat healthy.  I feel like I can take on the world.  I think it's the combination of foods that give me the zest that I long for every single day.   When I read and re-read the book, I'm reminded to eat fruit and lean proteins.  When I EAT, I'm not hungry.

My oldest son just bought the book today.  We're going to eat together (not literally) for the next 17 days and support each other.  I'm hoping he'll join us here.  Eric is awesome.  He'll probably be able to develop new habits more quickly that I can. 

So, maybe I should look at my year-long journey as 17 days at a time.  I wonder if that would be easier?  Guess I'll find out!

Day 6 - Mad at Me

Okay, I know my journey towards a healthy new way of eating and lifestyle shouldn't always be a bed of roses, but wouldn't you think I would not stray from the beaten path on just the 6th day?

Well I did.  I ate breakfast.  Then I ate an early lunch...so far so good.  Then I went to the barn to ride or attempt to ride because my horse is a little off but that's beside the point.  Anyway, it was hotter than a bonfire in July and I was dripping wet when I left.  I wasn't hungry but I didn't care.  I had my 12-year-old granddaughter with me so when I asked if she wanted ice-cream I knew exactly what she'd say.

It wasn't good enough just to get an ice-cream cone. I had to get a peanut butter lovers cone. ..complete with a peanut butter cup and extra peanut butter.  After that, it was all downhill.  I went out to dinner with two friends and had a salad and two glasses of wine.  Oh!  I forgot to mention the cheese plate appetizer that we had.

I don't feel very good about myself right now and on top of all that I'm stuffed.  That very wise dietitian that I told you about in an earlier post always says that a lapse isn't a relapse.  Guess tomorrow will be a new beginning.  Wish I hadn't decided to be totally honest with myself and you.  This is somewhat embarrasing!

Day 5 - Pleasant Thought

Just so you know, I'm not ignoring any of your comments, I just can't comment back right now for some stupid reason.  Actually, it's probably me that's stupid but someone with more computer wisdom than me will be able to figure this out...I'm sure of it.

Just one thought for today.  I think I may have read this somewhere but it's true...It's difficult to think of anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.  Sometimes simplicity feels warm and cozy.

Day 4 - A Dinner-Out and Epiphany Too!

Okay.  Eating is eating no matter where I am.  Tonight we went to one of my favorite restaurants for our anniversary.  It occurred to me that when I'm eating out I always tend to eat mindfully.  I chose food that I like but I don't usually overeat.  I think I'm just the opposite of most people. I usually lose weight on a vacation....really. 
 I haven't been eating much meat over the past few days. I just didn't want any.  Instead I've been eating veggie burgers and other kinds of soy products.
Tonight I wanted meat so that's what I had.  I purposely ordered a steak.  I think it was between the crispy green salad and the perfectly-done steak tonight that I had an epiphany.  I eat well- planned and prepared food mindfully and I eat "junk" food mindlessly.  I seldom think about a handful of potato chips or a bite out of a piece of cake.  Those are the things I need to think about.  Those things matter.  And they really matter when I eat them late at night.
It is said that it takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow. My year-long journey is all about changing and growing.  I sure hope I'm up to the challenge.  I have a feeling developing a lifestyle change is going to take more than just a little work.....